17 : 45 CST PM Sitting in front of my DELL. Finished off a large glass of Ozarka water, awaiting for my girlfriend to fly in to Dallas from New York. She is French and as dark as Godiva Christmas chocolate. Also, she is just as sweet and delightful. I am in love for the first time in a long time. Somewhere in another room, the air conditioner is running, as the dog-days of summer are beating down on this Texas town, frying like eggs on a skillet. F/X, a movie I've loved for years, since I was a teen, is also playing in the other room. I loved Jerry Orbach [R.I.P.] and always thought he was underlooked as a very deep actor, much like William Holden, Robert Mitchum or even James Cagney. I am going to work on a tape tommorow for my friend in Colorado, the Magnificant Train, hailing such work as The Dead Kennedys, Circle Jerks and Rollins Band, to keep him positive. Tonight I have to scour Rue Morgue Radio for the latest radio podcast to download for him, which I then burn to CD and mail to him " snail mail " as cointed by Bill M, the host of the magically delicious hour of comedy clip and netherworld novelty numbers [apologizes Bill], The Devil's Mischief. He read a email I sent him, which is beyond Fonzarelli cool. I listen occasionally to downloaded podcasts of Breuer Unleashed also, which is hilarious, particularly the Denis Leary interview, where he covers how Lenny Clark ran for mayor [again, mentioned in Leary's comedy roast on Comedy Central] and Kevin Pollak's interview [ya gotta catch the part where he talks about Rickles and Pesci ... priceless!! ]... then I also catch KERA 90.1 on podcast sometimes [particularly Car Talk and 90.1 At Night, both very solid programs]. I miss SoulFinger by the Bar-Kays. This has been a particularly harsh week for me emotionally and spiritually, but perhaps tests like this prod me to get off my ass and do something about it. I hope they do. They make me feel stronger sometimes. I miss my friends, but realize I need to work on myself at the same time and not just take the easy way out. The brain runs low, like the mosquito infested sludge and algae covering a very low level in a septic tank ... but someday I will rewaken and conquer. I have to. The days I work, listening to sob stories and excuses ... the sob stories make my heart fall to the bottom of the proverbial cab floor, getting dirty with dust, hair, debris and gum ... but the excuses make my blood boil and my anger get the best of me, because I realize I've been giving excuse after excuse on why I don't finish my first novel, ever. Do I feel like it will be pisspoor, like the David Spritz novel in Weather Man? Or do I want to try to aspire to Fight Club cult-like followings? I don't know. I just know I need to press on and try harder. To finish what I start. I did finish that novella Hairstyles Of The Damned, which was cool and cute and hip. All rolled into one. I should allow my mind to disavow any secrecy and let all my fear, trials and tribulations out and exorcise the daemons that haunt and bind me, prose and poetic-wise. I need to crawl from out of the gutter I have placed myself, wash off and climb back into the seat and ride my horse into the new frontier. The coffee and Mountain Dew I have consumed are keeping me going, like Sisyphus [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Myth_of_Sisyphus ] As punishment for his audacity, he was sentenced to be blinded and to perpetually roll a giant boulder up a mountain to the peak, only to have it inevitably roll back down the mountain into the valley.Camus presents Sisyphus's ceaseless and pointless toil as a metaphor for modern lives spent working at futile jobs in factories and offices. "The workman of today works every day in his life at the same tasks, and this fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious." - Albert Camus, published originally in French in 1942 as Le Mythe de Sisyphe, and published in English in 1955. I understand that my fear is hindering any type of escape from this predispositioned Hell I have placed myself in; working solely to pay off a material good I used to travel about in, living in secrecy in a hovel with the sparest of necessities, so I can humble myself and learn about simplicity and basic mankind, without the squandering, if possible, on Consumer Hostility Towards Me As An American Citizen ... buying goods just to keep up and squander my future ... to dry out my brain and wring out the brainwashing that comes to me in large, garbagetruck loads by corporations, who see me nothing as extra money in their coffers ... I am learning to fast and go on Lent, more than in a religious sense, but more in a sense of necessity for me to keep my sanity, or the ounces I still have left. I cannot condone materialism, and yet I am a minor cog in its major machine. It is thoughts like these that help me. I will learn. I will reprogram. I will win.
Do not let them win. They cannot if you don't let them.
Stay true.
Dr Phibes
http://www.google.com/search?q=Boulder+up+the+mountain&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official
" The most advantageous employment of any capital to the country to which it belongs, is that which maintains there the greatest quantity of productive labor. "
ADAM SMITH - THE WEALTH OF NATIONS
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